The holiday season is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than with a healthy dose of laughter? These ten Christmas jokes are guaranteed to put a smile on your face and get you in the holiday spirit.
From the ridiculous to the sublime, these jokes cover everything from Christmas shopping to holiday family gatherings. Whether you’re looking for a quick laugh or a joke to share with friends and family, we’ve got you covered.
So grab a cup of hot cocoa, settle in by the fire, and get ready to laugh your way through the holiday season!
Heaven’s Gate Christmas Test
Three men arrive at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve, only to be met by Saint Peter, who challenges them to prove their Christmas spirit. The first man pulls out a match and strikes it, saying, “This is a Christmas candle.” Saint Peter is impressed and lets him pass.
The second man jingles some keys and says, “These are Christmas bells.” Saint Peter nods and lets him through.
The third man pulls out a pair of red underwear and says, “These are Carol’s.” Saint Peter is perplexed, but the man just smirks.
The Hungover Husband’s Christmas Surprise
Paul wakes up on Christmas morning with a pounding headache and no memory of how he got home. He finds a rose, two aspirin, and a glass of water on his nightstand, and a note from his wife that reads, “Breakfast is on the stove, darling. I’ve gone out to get groceries.”
But when Paul’s son tells him what really happened the night before, Paul is shocked. It turns out he got drunk, gave himself a black eye, and trashed the living room.
The Soldier’s Christmas Wish
Two soldiers are chatting in the mess hall about their Christmas wishes. One soldier says, “I’ll never forget the Christmas I spent peeling potatoes for a week.”
The other soldier asks, “What happened?”
The first soldier replies, “I asked the sergeant for a new sergeant for Christmas.”
The Monastic Misprint
A monk named David has spent years copying old religious texts by hand. One day, he’s tasked with verifying the accuracy of the original manuscripts. But when he discovers a small error, he’s devastated.
It turns out the word “celibate” was actually supposed to be “celebrate.” David is relieved, but also a bit amused.
The Holiday Breakup
A father calls his son on Christmas Eve to tell him that he and his mother are getting divorced. But when the son finds out, he’s shocked and insists that his parents wait until he can get there.
But it turns out the son isn’t as concerned about the divorce as he is about who’s going to pay for his Christmas trip.
The Early Christmas Shopper
A man is put on trial for doing his Christmas shopping too early. The judge asks him what he’s accused of doing, and the man replies, “I was just doing my Christmas shopping.”
The judge asks, “What time did you start?”
The man replies, “Before the store opened.”
The Mistletoe Accident
A man is waiting at the airport when he notices a sign that reads, “Mistletoe – kiss your luggage goodbye.” He’s annoyed, but the airline attendant just smiles and says, “It’s not for kissing me, it’s for kissing your luggage goodbye.”
The Christmas Deal
A young boy is writing a letter to Santa, but his mother tells him to write to Jesus instead because he’s been naughty. The boy thinks for a moment, then writes, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…” and includes a picture of Mary from the nativity scene.
Long Hair, Don’t Care
A teenager asks his father, a pastor, if he can get a car for Christmas. His father says he’s proud of his son’s studies, but disappointed that he hasn’t cut his hair.
The son replies, “Dad, Jesus, Moses, and Samson all had long hair.”
His father smiles and says, “Yes, but did you notice they all walked everywhere?”
The Husband’s Christmas Surprise
A husband is shopping with his wife on Christmas Eve when he loses her in the crowd. He calls her in a panic, and she replies, “Do you remember that expensive watch you wanted from the jewelry store five years ago?”
He says yes, and she replies, “I’m in the lingerie store next to it.”
